87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.