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I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.