You Might Also Like
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?