You Might Also Like
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
“what that mouth do?” complain
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”