You Might Also Like
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
#parenting
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.