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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I went from rags to one rag.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Phones down.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half