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WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
🔥🔥
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend