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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Bloody internet 😳
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.