Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine