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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.