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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities