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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
This raises questions
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.