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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
The pasta is now
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I came this close!!!!
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t