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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS