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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Omg 🤣
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
went fishing caught a bass
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????