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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
