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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.