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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.