You Might Also Like
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time