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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.