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idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[eulogy]
line?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af