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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover