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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.