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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I feel this so hard
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid