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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
