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I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Well, this explains it:
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.