Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Help

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.