Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

I found your tweet-up…

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?