878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Look at this
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*