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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did