Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*