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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.