You Might Also Like
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.