Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts