88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on