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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.