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what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*praying for world peace*
God:
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.