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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
