You Might Also Like
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
LOOOOOOL
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname