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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward