You Might Also Like
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
A man of commitment.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Just added something to my bucket list.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Waiting for the Charmin
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.