You Might Also Like
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
mathematically impossible
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE