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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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