You Might Also Like
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Help Wanted
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.