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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
incredible
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
3% human
97% stress