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Canadian owl: Eh?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
my first dose meeting my second
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….