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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.