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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour