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Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
how to have an accident 101
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping