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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
i dont have time for this
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.