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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When someone trying to leave me
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste