You Might Also Like
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
my nickname in college
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover