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This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.