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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
this has to be peak English
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.