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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Living the best life.. 😊
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.