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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.