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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.