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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.