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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?