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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”