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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
lol
Why is everyone getting married at me
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.