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The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point