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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
#NeverForget
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.