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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.