You Might Also Like
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
seriously you guys
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.