Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR