89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Something Saturday.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
🙅🏻
It’s a gift
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Banana is the quietest snack
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.