Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Eat…

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem