You Might Also Like
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*